Never despair, You are not Alone!

"More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not disappoint us, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us."

~Romans 5:3-5

           I'm going to tell you a story. My story of my life from a few months ago. For those of you who don't know, I was hit, like a freight train, with anxiety. I've always struggled growing up with a bit of anxiety, but not to the extreme that it happened. There were a hundred and one reasons why the anxiety happened. Not enough trust in God, fears that I didn't even know I had, I was at a cross-roads in my life, I had way to much time to think, and the list could go on and on. All of this I had pushed deep down, until, much to the dismay of my family, myself, and some really close friends, it all finally exploded.

       I didn't know what had happened. I didn't understand God, why he was allowing this. I was very mad at him. I was in a black, black pit. I wasn't sleeping well, wasn't eating, constantly felt sick. I was exhausted. If you've never gone through it, it's a hard thing to understand. Part of the problem was I didn't want God to have the last word -- I wanted the last word. I had this weird idea that (somehow it got very warped in my head, don't know how) that anything I wanted, God didn't want. That I couldn't be happy. That I had to suffer and sacrifice, and be miserable. Not true! But try telling that to a person suffering from anxiety whose head is spinning...

       This went on for a few months, me trying to pull myself out -- struggling to pull myself out. I just wanted to feel normal again, to having a normal life. Is that to much to ask??!! Some of the only things that helped was the Blue Jays being in the post season, and sleep, because for a little while I was are able to escape the pain and misery.

I felt so alone, didn't want anyone to see what I was going through. After a few month of struggling and getting nowhere, I went to Madonna House. Being there was good for me. It forced me to get up in the morning in times for Lauds, and I was kept busy for the rest of the day living their life. I didn't want to admit to anyone there what I was going through. But God had other plans.

I would yell at God. I would cry to God for it to stop. If he loved me so much, why was he letting me suffer???! Why was I in such a black pit that I couldn't get out of it? I was trying to offer all of this up for a particular friend, and I had no doubt that God was taking my pain and suffering and helping this other person, and healing them, but why was he not healing me? Was I not worthy of it? I felt like God had completely rejected me. Like he wasn't there at all. However, nope. He was there, I just needed the time to see it. God, through those few months showed me how much he loved me. 

I didn't want anyone to see that I was suffering, that I was weak and stumbling, however, God wanted me to admit it to people, he wanted me to be helped by other people. I learnt over the few months that it was okay to admit that I was going through mental illness, that it was okay to admit that I could barely function. Yet, there were so many people who were there for me: to give me a hug, to push me, encourage me, and to get me on my feet. 

And here is the catch, God never left me while I was in it. He was there every step of the way; he was there in all the people who helped me. Those people were Christ to me. They showed me God's love. 

God never rejects a person, even in the blackest moments, when you feel like the world is falling apart, somehow God is there in it. God has changed me in the past five months, I have a deeper faith, a greater understanding of those suffering, I have more confidence in who I am. Looking back, I can safely say, that those were the worst days of my entire life, and I don't EVER want to go through that again. But I know I needed it.

God has given me a a more understanding heart, and more compassion to those who are going through mental illness -- through depression and anxiety. There was a girl who I hung out with a lot in the summer who struggled with anxiety, and sadly, I just didn't really understand it, or understand the pain she was going through, and I am so sorry for that.

God showed me so much, and he worked on many areas of my life that needed work on -- and he's still working on them.

So, for those of you who are struggling with this, with anxiety, YOU ARE NOT ALONE. There are others who are going through exactly the same thing. We are here for you. If you need to talk to someone about it, talk to someone. Don't fall into the slump of thinking no one understands, because that is not true. And Pray -- very important, even when you are mad at God. It's okay, He understands. My spiritual director had read to me Psalm 88, and I couldn't believe how similar it was to what I was going through. That Psalm became my constant prayer to God, my cry to him. Check it out, you might be surprised by how relate-able some of it is. 

I'm no where near perfect, I still have many fears, one of the biggest being that I might get trapped in this again, but the only thing I can do is trust God everyday, and try to be a light to those around me. One thing I can say for having gone through this; I cannot WAIT to get to heaven, where I can see God face to face, and where there is no more suffering... 

So where does that leave me now? With faith -- faith is truly a gift. I discovered that when the very foundations of my faith were shaken. Hope -- hope in the eternal life and all the God promises, for if there wasn't eternal life, this life would be pretty bleak. Love -- love for God, and for all those around me. I want to be a light to those around me, to be Christ to those whom I come in contact with. 

For those of you who say, well, just trust God more, everything will be okay, or, just be grateful, etc. Trust me, it is not that easy to get out of anxiety, I wish it was. However, God uses everything, so it wasn't wasted time.

At the beginning of all of this I had started wearing a bracelet with the verse written on it: "For with God, all things are possible" (Mark 10:27). I still wear it today. It is a constant reminder that even when I don't feel strong, when everything seems bleak, when nothing in this life seems to be going right, or that I'll never be in that relationship with the person I love because I'm too scared, I should never doubt God. Because he can make it happen. He is bigger than all of this. 

So the best thing anyone can do, is just give a simple smile to someone, or a hug. Just be there for them, you have no idea what someone is going through, and that small smile may be the only light in their darkness. For that smile is Christ smiling at them.

I'll leave off with one more bible verse. I came across this in adoration while I was going through all of this, and it was a consolation to me.

"What I am doing now you do not know now, but afterward you will understand." ~John 13:7

God Bless!