God Provides

       

Just one of the many beautiful sunsets I get to see from my house

       Over the past few weeks I have spent a lot of time reflecting on my life in the past year; what has happened, how I have changed, where I am now, etc.

      One thing I can say with certainty, it has been a crazy year. In a few weeks it will have been a year since my anxiety first exploded – which sent my life into complete chaos, in a manner of speaking, and then directed my understanding of things in a different direction. I think it’s because it’s almost been a year that I keep looking back over the past year, and while I’m looking back, I see things that only God could have planned.

        When I look back to last summer, I realize I was filled with so many fears, concerns, uncertainties, and the idea that I had to figure out and plan everything in my life right then. However, since then almost every one of those fears, things I was concerned about, and uncertainties, have been taken care of, worked out, melted away. God has made every single one work out (well, almost).

       To sum up part of the list – living in a city – this country girl has adapted surprisingly well to the city, and I am actually enjoying it. I’m renting a house and paying rent. I’ve been managing to buy food and feed myself – okay, maybe not as well as I could be, but I haven’t starved myself yet, so we’re good! I got two small part-time jobs – on my own, I might add, no family help, lol!! And one is super cool, working as an usher for a CFL team, how awesome is that?! I survived learning the bus system, and traveling around the city on it, as well as buying food and traveling with bags of food on the bus for 6 months. I survived a semester of having three 8 am classes and having to bus to get there. I actually got a car, and now have the freedom to travel. I’ve learnt how to drive on 400 series highways, as well as city driving. I’ve made friends and have a support system here. I have my own mastercard and don’t have to pay my parents back anymore! I play on a rec. beach volleyball team. There are also lots of pick up sports games to play, with Catholics my age. Annnddd, I am two weeks shy of finishing my first year of Early Childhood Education (in a secular college)!!!!! Plus I’ve been doing pretty well in school if I might say so myself! My first placement was a breeze, and I learnt that I love working with toddlers.

           Now I am applying to different jobs (along with trying to finish assignments and getting ready for exams, which I should probably be doing instead of writing this – I think I’ll always be a procrastinator, lol). I’ve had an interview, with another one coming up (please pray for that, and that I find a good job), but I trust that God will lead me to the one/s that I’m supposed to have.

          All the fears about not being good enough, not having enough confidence, not being able to survive on my own, --  God has shown me that I can actually do this. He has provided for all my needs. I am fully capable of living on my own, doing things on my own (with God’s help) and making decisions about my life. I’ve been discovering more about myself, what I like and who I am, apart from my family.

           I am constantly learning that God has a plan for me, even if I can’t see it right now. There are so many unknowns; why he’s allowed things to happen the way they have over the past few years. Why He has resolved all the things I was concerned about except for the one biggest thing that I wanted. Yet he took care of all the little things. Why? I can’t answer that. Except that there has to be a reason, and I am trying to trust Him.

                  

I am NOT the same person I was a year ago. God has seen to that. I am a better person thanks to ALL the Pain and Struggles that I’ve had to go through this past year. But by God taking care of all these fears, He has shown me that He is there for me, and he is constantly telling me to trust Him. There are still things in this life that I want to happen, that at this point probably won’t, but for the first time in years, I’m at peace with where I am. I have a plan, and I have finally come to the knowledge and acceptance that there is no rush in life; I thought I had to figure out my vocation, that I had to get married in the next few years, however, God has put that on hold for a little while. I am just supposed to focus on school and work at the moment. I’m not saying everything is peachy in my life, because it’s not, but I just keep trying to go forward. At this point, I’m just trying to enjoy every day as it comes and be a light to my neighbour. I also want to continue to try and grow into a better woman. And as to everything else, I trust God will work it out, because he has already shown me that He provides.

Another Sunset

Love, Valentine's Day, and the Eucharist

       How many people say, "I’m in love"…? It is a pretty common phrase, one that I don’t like to say when I can help it, though I catch myself saying it sometimes. More on that in a bit.

Love has been on my mind a lot recently; it doesn’t help with Valentine’s Day being tomorrow. Walking through school and the stores the past few weeks it’s a hard thing to ignore. Which just makes me think of the other name people have for tomorrow – Singles awareness day! I have to say, I definitely agree with that statement. That being said, it also makes me think about what love is, which brings me back to my opening statement. I don’t like saying I’m in love, because that could also imply that I can fall out of love (I’m sure you’ve all heard that one). Rather I want to say “I love” someone, because that for me has so much more weight.

Love is a choice – sure, also a feeling at times – but a choice none the less. I choose to love. That being said, could I say that I’m in love right now? Yes. But I also choose to love. For me, saying I love someone, instead of saying I’m IN love, reminds me what love is. Love is willing the good of the other – not what you want, or what’s best for you, but what is best for the other. How often do I have to remind myself of this?!!!? ALL the time!

And when you get into a more serious relationship and then marriage, you discover that in that love for your significant other, you are giving of yourself! Totally one hundred percent!

Does this sound familiar? It should, because we have THE perfect example of it: Christ, by his death, and in the Eucharist. He shows us the perfect form of love. One that we can only strive to replicate.

A few months ago I was praying, meditating, and thinking of marriage and love, and God revealed to me something amazing. Some of you have probably already come to this understanding, but I’m still going to share it.

Marriage as a Sacrament points to Christ and His love for us and the Church. I was wondering how this could be, then it came to me. If that unity between two people is something so wonderful, something we all desire and long for; that the sexual union is something so amazing, so rich, so beautiful, and if it points to the Christ, and the Eucharist, then how much more amazing is the Eucharist?!?!?! We get to receive the Eucharist everyday, and I feel like a lot of us tend to really forget what it is!!! The Eucharist is God giving himself to us – to Me! Without reserve, without hesitation, He gives himself to me totally. Like, I can’t get over that! The alter is his wedding bed to me, and I am so undeserving of that love, but that does not change the fact that he still loves me. Not only does he give himself to me, but he died for me. He gave the ultimate form of love: He sacrificed his whole self for me, so that I may be saved! How does that verse go? “No one has greater love than this, to lay down one’s life for one’s friends” (John 15:13).

This then purifies my view on love and sex. If sex and love are a reflection of the Eucharist and God’s love for us, then how sacred is it really? Try like, a lot. When you stop and think about it, looking at it with this understanding, can one understand how terrible it is that we as a culture and society degrade sex and love and turn it into a pastime. Where is the love? Where is the sacredness of the marital act? This is something that is suppose be a reflection of God’s love, and we lose that too often in this world. We are called to give of ourselves completely and wholly.  

As I read in a book (Discovering the Feminine Genius. By Katrina Zeno. Great book – I highly, highly recommend it, yes even to guys), we are Eucharistic. We reflect and image God. So let our love be the same way. “The body is the monstrance of the soul, and the soul is the Eucharist of the body” (Zeno). How’s that for food for thought? We are sacred.

This brings me back to the beginning. Nowhere in Scripture does it say God is IN love with us, rather God loves us. God IS love. So let us BE love – let us love someone. Let us learn to sacrifice and give of ourselves. 

So am I “in” love with someone? Yes, I believe so. But I also Choose to love that person. To want what is best for him; not what is best for me, or what I want, because that is not love. I NEED to remember that I can’t force my feelings on him; he deserves way more than that. He deserves and is worthy of an unselfish love.

God gave me a good slap in the face last week at mass, the second reading being 1 Corinthians 13:4-8. You all know what reading that is: Love is patient, love is kind…. Etc. but also hidden in there is love  -- “it does not insist on its own way.” God was reminding me of a very important thing. I have to be patient, but I also have to remember that when I say “I love you”, it means there is someone else besides me, it’s not just an “I” but rather a “you” as well. A relationship is not one way, it incorporates two people – I can’t be selfish.

And so, for me right now, I just have to remember what true love is. And to remember that even if I don’t “have” someone I am never alone. Because God is my true love, he will never fail me. He has given me his perfect love that is better than any human love.

So to you all, have a great Valentines Day tomorrow with your “love.” And for all of us who are single and feeling the loneliness (maybe, maybe not), remember that we all have the perfect love in God. He might not get us flowers or chocolate, but that is okay, he died for us. I kinda think that is a little better then flowers or chocolate. J

Here is an article that I was pondering on as all of this came together.

http://chastityproject.com/2015/09/the-secret-to-true-love-from-a-mattress/

Never despair, You are not Alone!

"More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not disappoint us, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us."

~Romans 5:3-5

           I'm going to tell you a story. My story of my life from a few months ago. For those of you who don't know, I was hit, like a freight train, with anxiety. I've always struggled growing up with a bit of anxiety, but not to the extreme that it happened. There were a hundred and one reasons why the anxiety happened. Not enough trust in God, fears that I didn't even know I had, I was at a cross-roads in my life, I had way to much time to think, and the list could go on and on. All of this I had pushed deep down, until, much to the dismay of my family, myself, and some really close friends, it all finally exploded.

       I didn't know what had happened. I didn't understand God, why he was allowing this. I was very mad at him. I was in a black, black pit. I wasn't sleeping well, wasn't eating, constantly felt sick. I was exhausted. If you've never gone through it, it's a hard thing to understand. Part of the problem was I didn't want God to have the last word -- I wanted the last word. I had this weird idea that (somehow it got very warped in my head, don't know how) that anything I wanted, God didn't want. That I couldn't be happy. That I had to suffer and sacrifice, and be miserable. Not true! But try telling that to a person suffering from anxiety whose head is spinning...

       This went on for a few months, me trying to pull myself out -- struggling to pull myself out. I just wanted to feel normal again, to having a normal life. Is that to much to ask??!! Some of the only things that helped was the Blue Jays being in the post season, and sleep, because for a little while I was are able to escape the pain and misery.

I felt so alone, didn't want anyone to see what I was going through. After a few month of struggling and getting nowhere, I went to Madonna House. Being there was good for me. It forced me to get up in the morning in times for Lauds, and I was kept busy for the rest of the day living their life. I didn't want to admit to anyone there what I was going through. But God had other plans.

I would yell at God. I would cry to God for it to stop. If he loved me so much, why was he letting me suffer???! Why was I in such a black pit that I couldn't get out of it? I was trying to offer all of this up for a particular friend, and I had no doubt that God was taking my pain and suffering and helping this other person, and healing them, but why was he not healing me? Was I not worthy of it? I felt like God had completely rejected me. Like he wasn't there at all. However, nope. He was there, I just needed the time to see it. God, through those few months showed me how much he loved me. 

I didn't want anyone to see that I was suffering, that I was weak and stumbling, however, God wanted me to admit it to people, he wanted me to be helped by other people. I learnt over the few months that it was okay to admit that I was going through mental illness, that it was okay to admit that I could barely function. Yet, there were so many people who were there for me: to give me a hug, to push me, encourage me, and to get me on my feet. 

And here is the catch, God never left me while I was in it. He was there every step of the way; he was there in all the people who helped me. Those people were Christ to me. They showed me God's love. 

God never rejects a person, even in the blackest moments, when you feel like the world is falling apart, somehow God is there in it. God has changed me in the past five months, I have a deeper faith, a greater understanding of those suffering, I have more confidence in who I am. Looking back, I can safely say, that those were the worst days of my entire life, and I don't EVER want to go through that again. But I know I needed it.

God has given me a a more understanding heart, and more compassion to those who are going through mental illness -- through depression and anxiety. There was a girl who I hung out with a lot in the summer who struggled with anxiety, and sadly, I just didn't really understand it, or understand the pain she was going through, and I am so sorry for that.

God showed me so much, and he worked on many areas of my life that needed work on -- and he's still working on them.

So, for those of you who are struggling with this, with anxiety, YOU ARE NOT ALONE. There are others who are going through exactly the same thing. We are here for you. If you need to talk to someone about it, talk to someone. Don't fall into the slump of thinking no one understands, because that is not true. And Pray -- very important, even when you are mad at God. It's okay, He understands. My spiritual director had read to me Psalm 88, and I couldn't believe how similar it was to what I was going through. That Psalm became my constant prayer to God, my cry to him. Check it out, you might be surprised by how relate-able some of it is. 

I'm no where near perfect, I still have many fears, one of the biggest being that I might get trapped in this again, but the only thing I can do is trust God everyday, and try to be a light to those around me. One thing I can say for having gone through this; I cannot WAIT to get to heaven, where I can see God face to face, and where there is no more suffering... 

So where does that leave me now? With faith -- faith is truly a gift. I discovered that when the very foundations of my faith were shaken. Hope -- hope in the eternal life and all the God promises, for if there wasn't eternal life, this life would be pretty bleak. Love -- love for God, and for all those around me. I want to be a light to those around me, to be Christ to those whom I come in contact with. 

For those of you who say, well, just trust God more, everything will be okay, or, just be grateful, etc. Trust me, it is not that easy to get out of anxiety, I wish it was. However, God uses everything, so it wasn't wasted time.

At the beginning of all of this I had started wearing a bracelet with the verse written on it: "For with God, all things are possible" (Mark 10:27). I still wear it today. It is a constant reminder that even when I don't feel strong, when everything seems bleak, when nothing in this life seems to be going right, or that I'll never be in that relationship with the person I love because I'm too scared, I should never doubt God. Because he can make it happen. He is bigger than all of this. 

So the best thing anyone can do, is just give a simple smile to someone, or a hug. Just be there for them, you have no idea what someone is going through, and that small smile may be the only light in their darkness. For that smile is Christ smiling at them.

I'll leave off with one more bible verse. I came across this in adoration while I was going through all of this, and it was a consolation to me.

"What I am doing now you do not know now, but afterward you will understand." ~John 13:7

God Bless!